This trip feels completely different than I ever imagined it would.
For months, I had been preparing for India. I was excited, nervous, and constantly thinking about all the practical things. What should I pack? What clothes will I need? How will the heat affect my medical conditions? What will I need for class? How will it feel spending several weeks with people who don’t really know me yet? Will I do a good job helping facilitate a Consent Café?
Those were the things I thought would make this trip feel overwhelming.
Instead, less than two weeks before we were supposed to leave, my friend Matt passed away.
Matt wasn’t just someone who was cheering me on from home. He was supposed to be on this journey too. We were travelling to India together for the course, and before we had planned to spend another week exploring the country together. We had talked about the places we wanted to visit, the food we wanted to try, and the memories we hoped to make. In my mind, those plans had become part of what this trip was.
Now, I am packing for a journey that suddenly looks nothing like I imagined.
There is a strange feeling in trying to prepare for something so exciting while carrying such fresh grief. I still want to learn. I still want to experience another culture and grow as a social work student. But those feelings now exist alongside sadness, disbelief, and the reality that someone I expected to share this experience with is no longer here.
I know there will be moments when I instinctively think, “Matt would have loved this,” or find myself wanting to tell him about something I have seen before remembering that I can’t. There will be places we planned to visit together that I will experience differently because he isn’t there.
I don’t know exactly what this trip will look like anymore.
Maybe there will be days when I am completely immersed in learning and new experiences. Maybe there will be moments when grief catches me by surprise. Most likely, there will be both.
One thing I have continued to learn this past week is that life can change without warning. Plans can disappear overnight, and the future we picture for ourselves can shift in an instant. As difficult as that realization is, it also reminds me not to take opportunities, relationships, or moments for granted.
I didn’t expect grief to become part of this journey, but it has.
So I will board the plane carrying more than my suitcase. I will carry my excitement, my nervousness, my questions, and my grief. I will carry the memories of the plans Matt and I made, and I know that in some way, he will be part of this journey too—not because the sadness disappears, but because friendships continue to shape us even after someone is gone.
It isn’t the trip I imagined.
But it is the journey that now lies ahead.