I have struggled with a sense of belonging for years. Maybe my whole life, actually. I have gotten glimpses of belonging in other places; Deadman and Slocan valleys, Wells, and Seymour arm are a few places dotted around British Columbia that definitely hold a piece of me. But I remain searching for home. For my whole adult life now. A place that my soul can rest in and my nervous system can unwind. A feeling I can build my family in and honour my values.
In 2020 I ran away, physically and metaphorically, in the name of Belonging. I went searching- I hitch hiked to a remote island of the coast of BC and bought a camper van. I spent COVID trying out different places like outfits on a new day. I shopped around for months and ultimately felt more lost than ever.
But somehow I boomeranged back to Kamloops; the somewhat center of BC and the place that has been home for over 20 years of my life. I met Peat and quickly fell in love. It was love that swept me off my feet and had me abandoning myself (a major life lesson I needed to experience in order to break)- and in that wild abandon, I got pregnant and my whole world changed. That’s a whole other story, but the gist is that I was rearranged. Completely unravelled, torn apart and spit back out into the world, then sewn back up, rinsed, dried and restrung. A new woman.
Since then, I have quietly and patiently fallen in love and broken up with Kamloops, as a place and a home. This is a town that has made me who I am. Memories scatter the streets, the beaches, homes and buildings, some that don’t even exist anymore. And I am at the midpoint of letting it go.
What I did not expect was to find that rich sense of belonging I have been longing for in India. I knew I would love it, but I had no idea this feeling would overcome me. I fell in love with the people, the culture, the language, the customs, the food, the music, the dancing. I certainly did not get enough!
As I left I laid down my sacred tobacco. I said so many thanks. I asked nothing extra of the land, no prayers or wishes, knowing full well that India gave me immeasurable gifts. I cried knowing I would be leaving kin; a place that felt like home to me. Like a long lost family member I was being reunited with and suddenly had to leave again.
I suppose some of this sounds a little dramatic, but a quality I have come to learn and love about myself is my ability to love deeply. And it doesn’t just happen in relationship to people, but in relationship to place too. India has housed a piece of my heart and I cannot wait to reunite with it.
Until then, namaste. The light in me, sees the light in you.